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25
february,
1997.
i'm
disgusted
with warren and his manipulating ways. i've just found out that his ego
truly knows no bounds: i've just gotten word that warren is teaming up
with industrial light and magic to produce save a prayer special
edition.
using the same techniques used to insert jabba the hut into star wars,
warren will be removing john from the video and inserting himself (andy
will be replaced with an animatronic donkey, or ass if you will, and
roger
will be replaced by a coffee table). the new video features nick and
warren
on the back of an elephant (i'm sure we're all familiar with the
original
scene) plus a big flashing neon sign that reads "tv mania is neato."
rumour
has it that similar treatments are in the works for all duran videos.
as if
that
weren't enough, shirtless italian muscle men wearing nail polish are
being
dispatched all around the world as we speak. their mission is to
confiscate
all existing copies of the old videos in an effort to wipe clean the
memory
of the old band from the world's collective memory.
"but
that's
monstrous!"
"yes,
isn't
it?"
as for
john
boy, when i said he didn't believe in duran, i literally meant it.
apparently
he now believes that the entire duran thing was all a hallucinatory
episode
brought on by eating a bad bit of fish. he's chalked the whole thing up
to a fever dream, frilly shirts and all (although apparently he still
has
nightmares about the my own way video).
5
february,
1997
okay
people,
we have the inside scoop now. the following conversation was overheard
by a fly.
****
begin
transmission ****
nick:
damn
it simon, we have to put this album out before the millennium, or our
fans
will kill us.
simon:
i *know*
nick, but i'm just so bummed since seaquest dsv was cancelled, i can't
find any lyrical inspiration anywhere.
warren:
simon,
me and nick have written 742 songs for duran in the last month, 86 for
tv mania and a dozen for debbie. if we can be *this* inspired surely
you
can come up with a few nonsensical lyrics!
john:
why
don't you try recycling, nobody will notice. something like "glistening
trees, and glands and lipstick cherry" you know, all that crap you used
to fling off without effort. i tell ya, charlie, ever since you started
wearing rubber pants, your muse seems to have shrivelled up along with
your sperm. face it, it's been months since the old ball and chain
popped
out another simon brat.
simon:
crap?
CRAP?!?! oh this coming from mister; "i am sad, i am sad, i am sad and
i want my dad" puh-leez, maybe you should try stealing from dr. seuss
next
time, maybe then somebody will buy your album.
john:
well
at least i never penned the line: "my head is full of chopstick, i
don't
like it." we have been getting bad press since 1984 because
of that line.
simon:
i was
stuck for lyrics then too, and you bastards were rushing me. i was
eating
chinese food at the time, so it just sort of popped out.
warren:
yeah,
wasn't that when your pants used to split regularly on stage because
you
were a little out of shape.
simon:
oh
piss off! you nature loving, shaven chested yank!
nick:
will
you bitches stop fighting!!! wait a minute that's it! fighting, yes, i
see it now. we have a fight and one of us decides to quit the band! it
hits the media, our fans become suicidal wrecks. then we say we have to
put some final touches on the album and given the departure of a
member,
the album will be a little later then expected!
warren:
well
if you ever saw that tiger-list on the web, you would know that most of
our fans are expecting medazzaland in time for their retirement
parties.
no one believes it's coming out in march anyway, since it was due out
in
march of 1995.
simon:
no
warren, nick is right. (aside: *it's about time he had an idea that
didn't
involve his hair*) the fans will be too devastated to notice the album
has been delayed again.
nick:
the
icing on the cake is this: just when the fans are standing outside our
houses with torches, ready to kill us, we announce that we have
reconciled
with the member who quit, the album will be out in a month and we will
tour!!!
warren:
you're
brilliant nick! that should buy charlie another 12 months to finish his
damn lyrics. also, the member who quit the band, by rejoining, will
make
the fans so happy that they won't care how long the album is delayed.
in
the meantime we can go right some songs for the reunited musical youth.
john:
well
who's the lucky bastard who gets hated by everyone?
****
end transmission
****
it is
at this
point, that the fly was shooed out the window, and no more of the
conversation
was overheard.
now
here's
some from other lists...i'm not the authors of these either but damnit
they're funny! they're outdated (even when they were posted) but who
cares?
humour never dies.
30
july, 2001
101 (well, not exactly) reasons warren finally ditched the "f******
piece"
and went bald.
1.
*grunt*
"head shiny like guitar." *grunt*
2.
nick won't
gripe about his side of the stage being too dark anymore, the reflected
light from warren's skull should take care of that in a jif.
3. no
more
worries about accidents when slathering nair on his pecs.
4.
chicks
dig bald guys.
5.
going bald
makes his whole body look like a penis.
6. did
we
mention chicks dig bald guys? they like to stroke their
heads.
7. and
everyone
knows warren likes his head stroked.
8.
hehehehe
hehehehe hehehehe, you said "head"
9.
secretly,
he idolizes patrick stewart.
10.
secretly,
he idolizes kojak.
11.
secretly,
he idolizes nick.
12.
since
he started eating meat and drinking alcohol, he figured he could keep
his
"mr. clean" rep intact by looking the part.
13.
wants
to see if he can use one of those facial exercise videotapes to rip the
muscles in his skull.
14.
besides,
the leather fetish skullcap wouldn't stay on with hair.
15.
nick needed
the "f****** piece" to supplement his own " f****** piece".
16.
tired
of being the oldest in the band but looking the youngest.
17.
keeps
the cat outside, so it was the only other way to ensure there's no hair
shed into delilah.
18.
his black
fur vest had a hole in it and needed patched.
19.
decided
to use the rug as a rug.
20.
due to
lacklustre sales of medazzaland, couldn't afford top-of-the-line weaves
any longer.
21.
the "f******
piece" fell off while he was doing dishes and got eaten by the disposal.
22.
woke up
in the middle of the night with the munchies and mistook the "f******
piece"
for sprouts. ate on midnight salad snack while playing naked sitar in
the
dark.
23.
two words:
cat toy.
24.
the only
plugs he wants to deal with involve amplifiers.
25.
get your
minds out of the gutter.
26.
duran's
history of ostracism kept him from getting a membership in the hair
club
for pop stars.
27.
spends
too much money on guitars and porn to buy the hair club for pop stars
and
appoint himself president.
28.
went to
shave other parts and got a little carried away.
29.
spotted
a grey hair that needed plucked and got a little carried away.
30.
watched
too many games of footie and got a little carried away.
31.
cat got
in the house, and the "f****** piece" got carried away.
32.
felt like
scaring clueless fans: "i'm built, i'm bald, *now* do you realise i'm
not
andy?"
33.
nick told
him having hair on his head ruined the effect.
34.
fan snuck
into privacy and stole it.
35.
"i'm not
bald, it's just the solar panel for my sex machine."
36.
visited
by the ghost of christmas present and...wait, wrong duran.
37.
er....well...ex-duran.
38.
hey, did
you hear, duran duran's got this new guitarist guy named warren *sound
of cyndi wailing in pain*
39.
garden
wasn't doing so well, decided to watch hair grow instead.
40.
gets a
real kick out of stubble.
41.
wanted
fans to respect him for his music, not his body.
42.
no, wait
a minute: wanted fans to respect him for his body, not his hair.
43.
really
just wants to do anything possible to draw attention to his six-pack.
44.
forget
"g" magazine, aspires to be featured on www.baldguy.com.
45.
he's not
bald, it's just that he likes to wear shoes that make him taller than
his
hair.
46.
"anyone
can grow hair, it takes a real man to wear it out."
47.
wanted
to refocus those growth hormones into other hormonal pursuits.
48.
…like
the "can of corn"
49.
tired
of having hat hair. now he can wear all the hiddy hats he wants without
looking like he's channelling john.
50.
"f******
piece" kept falling in his eyes and he couldn't see his "can of corn"
while
he was putting it through its daily exercises (honey, *nothing* gets
that
big without a workout).
51.
and what
a workout that must be. no wonder he's so into weightlifting.
52.
how much
can that thing lift, anyhow?
53.
forget
that, how much does that thing weigh?
54.
oh, right...this
is about the head up top not the head down below.
55. um…
56. um…
57.
couldn't
lose that last ounce of excess weight any other way.
58.
donated
it to "locks for love" before discovering it wasn't a padlock fetish
group.
59.
needed
brillo pad to scrub dishes with.
60.
needed
a new loofah and figured, "what the heck?"
61.
secretly
idolizes uncle fester.
62.
can now
use head for roll on dispenser.
63.
now that
nick and simon are dressing badly, there is nothing else to separate
him
from the pack. must shave head for reasons of distinction.
64.
the crabs
had migrated.
30
july, 2001
101 things that will happen before medazzaland is released.
(okay, so this thing is outdated. but it's funny how many of these
happened!)
1.
cold fusion.
2.
tallulah
graduates college.
3.
world peace.
4.
amanda
will win an oscar.
5.
amanda
and julie-anne release their first book: how to sleep your way to
mediocrity.
6.
nick's
hair returns to its natural colour.
7.
they'll
find the cure for aids.
8. the
duranlings
will grow up and form duran duran 2.
9.
warren
will eat meat.
10.
cyndi
glass will quit printing privacy because warren will no longer need the
publicity.
11.
john will
shower voluntarily.
12.
simon
will be faithful to yasmin.
13.
any current
duran member will make a boy.
14.
roger's
band goes to #1.
15.
andy will
pay off his debt.
16.
the duck!ers
will live in the same damned state!
17.
mulder
and scully will do the 8 legged wild thang.
18.
warren
will wear clothing regularly.
19.
steve
jones will apologise.
20.
simon
will remember what nupl stands for. (this
was a mystery autograph simon gave once. when later asked, of course,
he
didn't know what it meant.)
21.
john will
remember.
22.
katy will
attend a durannie convention.
23.
there
becomes an independent democracy.
24. a
umf
author will win a pulitzer.
25.
the budget
will be balanced.
26.
andy and
warren will do a side project together.
27.
jupiter
will be colonized.
28.
simon
will shut up and sit still without anesthetic.
29.
duck!
will host the annual comedy awards.
30. tv
mania
hits broadway and outsells "cats."
31.
nick does
a side project with jonesie.
32.
simon
will go 24 hours without injury.
33.
nick will
write his own language. we'll understand it.
34.
duran
will get credit.
35.
pigs will
fly and monkeys will come out my butt.
36.
simon
dances with co-ordination.
37.
nick will
finish saying supercalifragilisticxpalidocious.
38.
john will
spell his first name correctly.
39.
warren
will give up masturbation and the guitar.
40.
nick and
howard stern will start their own radio show.
41. a
lot
of people in hell will need to wear parkas.
42.
john becomes
james bond.
43.
nick becomes
male.
44.
warren
becomes pope.
45.
amanda
will return john's spine.
46.
nick will
return the merchandise.
47.
"hold
back the rain" will finally be mixed to nick's satisfaction.
48.
the rum
runner will be rebuilt.
49.
john will
match.
50.
arena
will make sense without chemical assistance.
51.
fagaol
will be distributed.
52.
photographic
proof of there will be found.
53.
crapitol
will promote liberty.
54.
crapitol
will promote anything!
55.
live aid
10.
56.
dick clark
ages.
57.
mtv acknowledges
the debt it owes dd.
58.
mtv plays
an actual video!
59.
nick uses
two fingers.
60. it
will
be proven that drum was all just a hoax for simon to pick up chicks.
61.
the durannies
will get lives.
62.
duran
will be cloned and the clones will finish their own album.
63.
culture
club and spandau ballet will do a duran tribute album (how about tony
hadley
of spandau covering save a prayer -- freaked out eds.)
64.
grace
jones makes a living knitting toaster cozies.
65.
pat boone
covers " a view to a kill." (and the scary thing is, we came up with
that
one *before* he put out his covers album. creeped-out eds.)
66.
rolling
stone prints a retraction stating that simon's undies were actually
yellow.
67.
nick makes
an 8 a.m. appointment and is on time.
68.
simon
sings on key.
69.
john marries
claire and completes the circle.
70.
catholics
will be raised guilt free.
71.
nick becomes
a large black man (for a visual, picture curtis pouting).
72.
yasmin
returns to her own planet.
73.
warren
wins mr. universe.
74.
nick wins
miss universe.
75.
simon
at long last finds a wristband.
76.
john becomes
the proud owner of the clue train.
77.
birm speaks
to john.
78.
nick speaks
to john.
79.
john remembers
who nick is.
80.
simon
writes lyrics. lyrics make sense.
81.
warren
finds nick's fast forward button.
82.
nick develops
an allergy to strawberries.
83.
simon
develops an allergy to nick.
84.
nick understands
computers.
85.
mum le
bon reveals the truth: simon's adopted!
86.
nick decides
make-up is contrived.
87.
john does
mrs. peacock in the lounge with the flashlight.
88.
nick grows
a beard.
89.
warren
guest stars on "the frugal gourmet."
90.
simon
revives the role of conan the barbarian.
91. an
inch
really *does* equal a mile!
92.
nick finds
the ultimate outfit in k-mart (for under $10.00).
93.
yasmin
gets pregnant, and simon doesn't shave his head.
94.
durannie's
grandchildren inherit the collections.
95.
simon
learns to rap.
96.
the elusive
wild hair will be plucked.
97.
nick does
anything remotely domesticated.
98.
john becomes
a surfing pro.
99.
simon
gets upgraded from a demi-god to full power.
100.
nick
changes the kitty litter.
101.
it will
be discovered that andy warhol is alive, but, strangely, nick rhodes
died
some time ago.
